Last week’s article was about two idiots of the music industry. This week is not much different. Only instead of two we have three.

Pharrell Williams

N.E.R.D. frontman Pharrell Williams is sick of his tattoos:

“It’s going to be pricey, but fuck it, it’s worth it. I got fire on my arms! I’m a grown man!”

Pharrell thinks that growing up means that a person should no longer have fire tattoos. That’s why he is asking scientists to create him a new set of skin and sew it over the tats. Yeap. You heard me right. I said create him a new set of skin and sew it over the tats.

Those labrats over at Wake Forest Institute must be really good. And Pharrell must be really stupid. He’s gonna spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for the “space age” treatment. He said he did not care - as long as it gets rid of the tattoos. Yeap. He’s stupid alright. The procedure probably costs ten times more than what he paid for to get inked in the first place.

Here’s how he described the procedure:

“There’s an institute called the Wake Forest Institute in North Carolina for Regenerative Skin Treatment. It’s basically like getting a skin graft, but you’re not taking skin from your ass or your legs. These guys actually grow the skin for you.”

The institute is actually called Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine, not “Skin Treatment” – it’s not like your local dermatology clinic.

“First you have to give them a sample of your skin, which they then replicate. Once that’s been done, they sew it on - and it’s seamless.”

Wow, it’s seamless? Congratulations.

And then Pharrell concludes by saying, “When it has healed you can go get whatever tattoo you want.”

Benji Madden

Since we are already in the topic of musicians and their tattoos (and its obvious effects on their mental capabilities), guess what Paris Hilton revealed when asked why Benji Madden (Paris’ current boyfriend or amateur porn sex partner, and lead guitarist of famous rock band Good Charlotte) would not allow his girlfriend to have a tattoos like himself?

Paris said, “He is going to get one of me, but he won’t let me get one. He doesn’t like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure.”

Alright, that is it. Either you’re lying miss pure Paris or your boytoy Benji Madden is completely deranged. Pure is probably the second to the last word anyone should ever use in the same sentence as “Paris Hilton” – next to PURE.

Maybe if the regenerative skin treatment works for Pharrell, you two should have the same done. They should get whatever is left of your damaged brains, grow you new ones using the same technology, and have them placed inside your empty skulls. At least that’s a more worthy procedure than shaking off the tattoos from Mr. Etch-A-Sketch Williams.

Pete Wentz

I like this week’s column. Everyone’s connected. Let’s talk about another famous rocker, Pete Wentz… and his being “half-gay”

In a recent interview with Out magazine, Wentz said: “When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that. And I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was. The last time I experimented was probably when I was 22.”

So last time he kissed a guy was 7 years ago, back when he considered (this is in the past tense) himself “half-gay” – which, by the way, us normal people call bi-sexual.

Back in May last year, Wentz said on an issue of The Advocate that he is sexually attracted to males, but he hasn’t had sexual relations with other men because “I’m not a fan of penises.”

Then six month later on NPR.com he says, “I would never come out and say I’m gay, because I’m not gay. There’s part of me that kind of wishes I was gay, and I think that comes from anybody constantly wishing they were in the minority and constantly wants to be fighting everybody off.”

So first, he got involved with guys because he liked them but didn’t want to have sex because he didn’t like penises. Then he wishes he were gay but he’s not (although he was sexually attracted to guys – but not their penises). And now he’s trying to justify his homosexual acts by saying that it’s part of his rebellious nature – meaning he did not want to kiss those guys that he was actually attracted to in the first place – but he did, and they stopped there because he didn’t like penises.

Oh, Pete.

You know that recent developments in science can actually grow skin? Amazing isn’t it? Imagine what they can do in the future. Perhaps in the future they can grow an entire person – like a guy? Maybe someday when you can have one of those sewn on Ashley to totally cover her up – make her look like a guy (that you enjoy having relationships with) but not have a penis. Then you can safely say that you are not having relations with a guy and or a penis.

Don’t worry, Pete. It’s seamless.

Extra

I am sooo glad to announce that Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” video on YouTube is still number 2 in the Most Viewed list. Thank you YouTube for not giving in to the stupid cheats over at her fansite.